So, there are many ladies out there wanting a British lover. I’m not completely sure why, it might be the accent, it might be the good manners, it might be many things. But this seems to be true in the States especially, where women literally melt whenever they hear a hint of English accent. It’s like that scene in “Love Actually” when the not-so-handsome English dude that nobody wanted in England, immediately becomes the star of the village, as soon as he lands in the States. It must be the Hugh Grant effect: he established such a solid connection between the “sexy but so guy next door” look and the British accent, that he made it a breeze for compatriots to get laid abroad. Hugh Grant, national hero.
Anyhow. This is a message for all the ladies that really want to experience the thrill of having a British other half. Before embarking in a relationship with a UK male citizen, you must understand that you’ll simply never, ever be a British man’s number one in the “Things I love the most” ranking. Number one is, and always will be, beer. An ice cold beer. Preferably in a hot summer day. Preferably with mates.
OK, maybe I’m exaggerating. Let’s say you can be number one. If we are allowing two number ones.
Therefore, ladies, if you were to start dating an Englishman, be prepared to question his sobriety whenever he comes back from a night out with his mates at the pub. Because he will look perfectly fine. He will be able to walk straight and touch his nose with the tip of his finger while standing on one leg like a pink flamingo. Nope, those little amateur tricks won’t work with this professional beer lover. You’ll have to up your game. And you can do that by simply asking these very state-of-the-art, tricky but always effective questions.
1. “Are you drunk?” Did he say: “Absolutely not. Maybe a little tipsy but I just had a few beers?” He’s absolutely wasted.
2. “Did you have a good night?” Did he say: “Yes, it was OK, but I missed you.” He’s being polite. He had a blast. And he’s absolutely wasted.
3. “Where did you guys go?” Did he say: “Oh, you know, that pub down the road, the one with music?” He doesn’t remember. And he’s absolutely wasted.
4. “Have you eaten?” Did he say: “Yeah, we had a snack at the bar.” He means: snack in liquid form. And he’s absolutely wasted.
But here comes the gran finale. The following really is the final proof of the fact that, even if he looks perfectly fine — and God knows how that is humanly possible — in the morning he won’t remember a word of the conversation you are having.
5. “OK dear, come to bed.” Did he completely miss the bed and landed head-first, face-flat on the floor? Yep, he’s absolutely wasted.
Funny part is: you’ll get to make fun of him by bringing up “that time you said you were perfectly fine and you missed the bed and landed on the floor” episode for years and years after.